Day one

So it snowed today.

I wanted to start this journal today. I don't think I've ever been so excited yet so absolutely scared in my entire life.

So, tell me, what do you think. Is it quite normal to laugh when you find out your other half is going to have your baby? It happened today. My first time, her first time and through some of the tears and the hugs and the thoughts racing through our heads, we laughed. Good belly laughs. Fantastic, but I'm not entirely sure it was a completely appropriate reaction.

So it snowed on the first day. It got dark and I was in the kitchen trying to concentrate on cooking some dinner when she shouted out and opened the front door to show me the snow. Not great drifts and blankets; just silently falling snow. It seemed so quiet and so peaceful.

So what exactly are you supposed to do now? Google's been a great help in the last few hours, answering questions. Some to share with you that have suddenly popped into our heads.

* Can you eat Quark? Answer: we think yes.

* Are you allowed to ski? Answer: we think yes early on.

* Can you fly? Answer: only in the first & second trimsters.

Oh my god. I know a word I didn't know six hours ago. Trimester. Thought it was an American college term. Turns out it's about 13 weeks. Or something like that.

Truth is I don't know if I'm old enough or wise enough to even begin to contemplate quite what the heck this means. The sheer magnitude of what's coming up is quite extraordinary. Thinking candidly and hoping so much that all is well. An urge to protect, completely out of nowhere. That's weird. This morning I'd have saved her life if she were drowning; now I'd quite happily die doing that.

Finding time to myself to think. Not being able to cram all the thoughts into my head at the same time. Knowing that I'm so not qualified to do this. Wondering how everyone else manages it. Having this secret amongst just me & her (and now, you) from the rest of the world. Just hoping, actually, that the doctor tomorrow says it's so too. Wondering what happens next.

She has the most awful sickness and I don't know what to do there either. Internet says smelling lemons. Tried it, worked while she (actually ate) the lemons.

I am so scared. Have talked to the cats, they both understand I think. I hope they understand in 9 months or however long it's going to be... guess we'll find that out tomorrow too.

I can't believe I stood in our bathroom and looked at a white piece of plastic and had to learn what the + sign meant. And held her, and stroked her hair and told her I loved her. How has this day come? I feel barely old enough to drive and have responsibility at work. To manage my own bank account and make sure my cats get fed. Do you think they teach you as you go along?

I vaguely remember as a very small child my mum coming into the room while I played and she was pregnant with my brother. I'd have been under 2 and my mum would only have been approaching 21. I'm now 32 and I remember thinking that my mum seemed to be very wise, seemed to know so much. How could she at 21 with my dad at 28 have managed me, my brother and, later, my sister. How did they do that? How did my Great Nan have 8 or 9 kids?

It's odd to think that part of all my grandparents and parents is part of me now and will be part of this future. I can't comprehend how huge that is. This is big stuff, universe, life, and why we're all here.

Back on earth it's stopped snowing but it's white out there. Still, and white. The future with so many questions. Where do you start? As if I have the faintest clue...