New Year's Eve 2005

So, it's new year's eve. We're having a blinding evening, sat indoors watching the telly. Had our first 'normal' day since the news came - went for a great lunch with her best friend and another friend (I will name all these people once it's ok to tell people about it!).

Sickness (again, her's, not mine) has come & gone through the day. Today we are trying Chinese accupressure wristbands for travel sickness.

Wondered today if I'd suddenly grown up. Thought that this was probably not the case and that I absolutely shouldn't be trusted with the care of a small child. I'm guaranteed to forget it's there one day, or leave it outside a shop. Hilarious, they'll say, before calling social services.

Just paid the council tax and water bill online and thought very carefully about my bank balance.

In my continuing series of weather notices, we had a rainbow today.

Short one for today really - again, nothing really happened today. Still getting over the shock.

Could have been more original... day two

OK, so it didn't snow today. It rained and it rained. In fact, today starts with last night as I tried to sleep - we both tried to sleep. The rain was beating down on the windows and the streetlight outside seemed to bathe the room in an even stronger - and stranger - orange glow than usual.

One of the cats promptly woke me up from the light sleep I was in at around 5am. They said on the websites that you start to get funny dreams - I thought it wouldn't affect me as I never remember my dreams, let alone have them. I'm sure I had some funny dreams last night though... can't quite remember what was in them, but I'm sure they were there.

We had a house viewing today at 10, so we got out the house to let the agent do it. This is crazy stuff, needing to move house at the same time as this happening, but the urgency to sell up and move is stronger now.

We scuttled around in the rain in town; coffee shop (she couldn't stand the thought of coffee so had mango juice and a bagel; I had coffee & bacon bagel, of course); health food shop (aloe-vera sun cream for me, oddly); clothes shop (therapy shop for her, one cardigan added to collection); Boots (folic acid - what is folic acid?); Woolworths (Scrabble - don't ask); bookshop (to see what books we could get off Amazon later); back home for more sickness (not me, although I do oddly feel a little queasy occasionally but that's just mad).

Work calls kept coming all day and I felt a little odd, far removed even. Ordinary day-to-day stuff seems a bit odd at the moment, not having spoken to anyone properly in the last 24 hours except to do work stuff and organise things. Done odd things like buy a new CD player to replace my aging (14 year old!) model.

Everything still seems a little unreal. Seem to be floating above a lot of it. I've had a day fetching iced water, crispbreads, mango juice, ginger biscuits.

Apparently very odd at the doctor's. No extra tests performed to confirm our test yesterday (thought that was very odd...) but we did find out, oddly, that it's week 7 of the pregnancy right now; this I'm going to have to look up on the internet, I don't understand how they work that out. Due date is 13th August, apparently, although we have since worked out it could be up to 9 days later than that. Not an exact science, I don't think.

We've allowed ourselves to tell her best friend about it. I'm not even really sure when it's safe to tell other people about it, but it felt good that somebody else out there knows in a funny kind of way.

There are moments when I catch myself having forgotten about it; which is weird. Thought it might consume my every thought - but watching Lost tonight changed that. Commercial breaks times to fetch more iced water and remember suddenly, guilty that I'd temporarily forgotten.

Anyhow - not much really happened today. Not even sure much is going to happen each day but we'll see.

Day one

So it snowed today.

I wanted to start this journal today. I don't think I've ever been so excited yet so absolutely scared in my entire life.

So, tell me, what do you think. Is it quite normal to laugh when you find out your other half is going to have your baby? It happened today. My first time, her first time and through some of the tears and the hugs and the thoughts racing through our heads, we laughed. Good belly laughs. Fantastic, but I'm not entirely sure it was a completely appropriate reaction.

So it snowed on the first day. It got dark and I was in the kitchen trying to concentrate on cooking some dinner when she shouted out and opened the front door to show me the snow. Not great drifts and blankets; just silently falling snow. It seemed so quiet and so peaceful.

So what exactly are you supposed to do now? Google's been a great help in the last few hours, answering questions. Some to share with you that have suddenly popped into our heads.

* Can you eat Quark? Answer: we think yes.

* Are you allowed to ski? Answer: we think yes early on.

* Can you fly? Answer: only in the first & second trimsters.

Oh my god. I know a word I didn't know six hours ago. Trimester. Thought it was an American college term. Turns out it's about 13 weeks. Or something like that.

Truth is I don't know if I'm old enough or wise enough to even begin to contemplate quite what the heck this means. The sheer magnitude of what's coming up is quite extraordinary. Thinking candidly and hoping so much that all is well. An urge to protect, completely out of nowhere. That's weird. This morning I'd have saved her life if she were drowning; now I'd quite happily die doing that.

Finding time to myself to think. Not being able to cram all the thoughts into my head at the same time. Knowing that I'm so not qualified to do this. Wondering how everyone else manages it. Having this secret amongst just me & her (and now, you) from the rest of the world. Just hoping, actually, that the doctor tomorrow says it's so too. Wondering what happens next.

She has the most awful sickness and I don't know what to do there either. Internet says smelling lemons. Tried it, worked while she (actually ate) the lemons.

I am so scared. Have talked to the cats, they both understand I think. I hope they understand in 9 months or however long it's going to be... guess we'll find that out tomorrow too.

I can't believe I stood in our bathroom and looked at a white piece of plastic and had to learn what the + sign meant. And held her, and stroked her hair and told her I loved her. How has this day come? I feel barely old enough to drive and have responsibility at work. To manage my own bank account and make sure my cats get fed. Do you think they teach you as you go along?

I vaguely remember as a very small child my mum coming into the room while I played and she was pregnant with my brother. I'd have been under 2 and my mum would only have been approaching 21. I'm now 32 and I remember thinking that my mum seemed to be very wise, seemed to know so much. How could she at 21 with my dad at 28 have managed me, my brother and, later, my sister. How did they do that? How did my Great Nan have 8 or 9 kids?

It's odd to think that part of all my grandparents and parents is part of me now and will be part of this future. I can't comprehend how huge that is. This is big stuff, universe, life, and why we're all here.

Back on earth it's stopped snowing but it's white out there. Still, and white. The future with so many questions. Where do you start? As if I have the faintest clue...